Due Date

Tomorrow is April 29. A rather insignificant date to most people, even to me until just recently. April 29 was Luisa's proclaimed due date back before we knew of her ABS and Acrania. Just a little bit ago I was not looking forward to this day. But, today I am okay, resigned, even at peace. Why?

Well, last week we went up to Salt Lake City, Utah for Easter, to visit family, and to visit Luisa's grave. I was sooooo looking forward to this trip. And it was a nice trip, but it was not what I had anticipated. I had planned to go visit her grave everyday that we were there. The first day I brought the little boys with me. A mistake. I won't tell you what they did because it was totally irreverant, and boy-like. We put pretty pink flowers on her grave. The second day, I went alone. It was nice, peaceful. I put a beautiful, fresh bouquet of white shasta daisies on her grave. I cried a bit, pondered much. The third day, I went with my husband. We put a very pretty, girly pink easter basket flower arrangement on her grave. I loved it. I wish I had taken a picture, but I didn't think to. And I thought. And thought. And we left. And I thought some more. Through the rest of our trip, and into several days of being home, and this is what I have come up with.

I think, with this visit, I was expecting a grand, spiritually illuminating experience. And it wasn't. It was nice, quite normal actually, and that was not what I had anticipated. That third day that we were at her grave, this scripture came into my mind:

"...Why seek ye the living among the dead?" - Luke 24:5

This scripture is in reference to the resurrection of Christ from the tomb, but it struck me as being pertinent to my situation right there at my daughters grave. She is not dead. She is not there. Her body is, for now. But she is with our Father in Heaven. Wow. So awesome for her. And she, and my Heavenly Father, and my brother Jesus Christ, and all of my other loved ones that have passed on before her, want me to be among the living. I know that she has moved on, and I need to as well. I need to spend my time and energy in becoming the wonderful and supportive Wife that my husband needs, and into a strong, nurturing Mother that my sweet ( although at times devilish) boys need, and deserve, and a righteous Woman so that I can be in Heaven eternally with my family, with my sweet Luisa.

So tomorrow will come and with it I will make the most of the day by being among the living, most especially with my husband and children.

The Monument

I think my grandmother is a saint. She is very dear to me. She is a woman that has had a lot of sorrow in her life and has seen several loved ones pass away before her from a very young age, including one of her sons. She sent me the following poem with a beautiful figurine of a mother with two little boys.

The Monument

God,
Before He sent His children to earth
Gave each of them
A very carefully selected package
Of problems.

These,
He promised, smiling
Are yours alone. No one
Else may have the blessings
These problems will bring you.

And only you
Have the special talents and abilities
That will be needed
To make these problems
Your servants.

Now go down to your birth
And to your forgetfulness. Know that
I love you beyond measure.
These problems that I give you
Are a symbol of that love.

The monument you make of your life
With the help of your problems
Will be a symbol of your
Love for me.
Your Father.

by Blaine M. Yorgason

April 1st

Today is April 1st. A big day for pranksters and jokesters, but not a day of pranks and jokes for me. This marks 3 months since the premature birth of Luisa. I am sad. Not in the depths of despair sad, but just a touch of melancholy, I guess. I bought some white shasta daisies to commemorate the day. They look pretty on my table, and do lift my spirits a bit. Its days like these that I really, really wish we lived in Utah so that I could go visit Luisa's grave. I would love to be there right now to put some fresh flowers on her beautiful plot of land. Anyone in the Salt Lake area feel like doing that small service for this melancholy Mommy :)? Luckily, we will be there in about 3 weeks. I can hardly wait. But, I guess for today I will let myself be melancholy and enjoy the Shasta daisies and maybe I can think of something else to do to lift my spirits. Right now, I am drawing a blank. Suggestions? Anyone?