Christmas Let Down

Yesterday I woke up groggy, and cranky. And I thought to myself, "What is my problem?" As I got in the shower and started thinking about Christmas and what a great Christmas it was and all of the days leading up to Christmas and how much I really enjoyed it all, I realized that I was cranky because I was suffering from Christmas let down. Last year, the holiday season was hard. I was trying to stay positive and have good holiday cheer, and really, for the most part, I was successful, but it took conscious effort. A lot of it. This year, I think I really wanted to make up for the things that we missed out on, or that I missed and I just threw myself into this holiday season with more crazy black friday shopping than I have ever done in my life, tons and tons of baking, and making homemade gifts like a mad woman. All things that I love doing every year, but this year I did them with reckless abandon and I LOVED IT! And then watching my boys on Christmas day, the happiness, oh it was wonderful. And then unwrapping a gift, the first gift, to Karina (our new little girl joining our family in May) brought tears of joy to my eyes. So then waking up on Monday was a big bummer because I felt like I now have nothing to look forward to but a big fat ominous black date, December 29. And the three days that follow it. For December 29, 2010 and the days following were some of the worst in my life. And then I cried. I sat down in that bathroom and cried. I cried for the pain that I went through last year, and I cried for the loss and I cried for this upcoming anniversary. Then I went on with my day, and at the end of the day I was so exhausted and worn out, and I cried again for the same things. And then my husband came back to our room, and we talked, and we held each other and I fell asleep and I woke up this morning feeling quite better. I don't feel the black ominous date of December 29 looming at me like it was yesterday. But it is definitely on my mind. I can't keep the memories of what I was doing on this day last year, and how I was feeling on this day last year, out. So I don't. I just let them come and feel a pang of sadness within myself. I think its good to feel emotions unreserved at times. I don't think its good to get lost in them or let them consume you, but I do think its good to just let them come. I think avoiding them or hiding or burying them is, in a way, being dishonest with yourself. So I let them come but almost always, accompanying those difficult emotions I have the thoughts and rememberances of beautiful and good things, things to be very grateful for. So this is how I am doing today.

Merry Christmas

This morning we went to the cemetery to visit Luisa's grave. We are up in Utah for the holidays. It was a beautiful day and a beautiful way to start our Christmas Eve. We bought her a little white Christmas tree and decorated it with bright pink ornaments and a bright pink butterfly on top. I love it. Looking at it makes me happy. Its cheerful. The butterfly is significant to baby-loss Moms because many hospitals, including the one I delivered Luisa at, put a paper butterfly on your hospital room door when you are there going through that difficult trial, as a symbol to the other hospital staff to be sensitive and respectful. That"s why, in the baby loss community, many baby loss Moms are referred to as Butterfly Mommys. I feel happy to be a Butterfly Mommy today. Of course, I don't ever want to be in a position to bury a child again, I feel such peace today. And I am grateful for that. I would hate to spend my holidays depressed and miserable.
Like I said, the cemetery was beautiful. My husband and I are very impressed with how decorated the cemetery was. There were tons of wreaths and poinsettias and mini Christmas trees, and even a few large Christmas trees, spread all through out the cemetery. And as I looked around, I felt a sweet strong feeling of love. I felt love for my Luisa, and my husband and my boys and the new little girl in my womb, Karina. And I felt love all around me. The love that other families had for their loved ones that had passed on. Beautiful it was. The tears came, but they were brought on by the Spirit of Love that was there, not by sadness.

A Year Ago Part I

A year ago.... we had just gotten back from visiting family up in Utah the night before. With two young boys, it was a tiring trip. We busily and excitedly got ready for the day. An exciting day. Ultrasound day. We took the boys to the sitter and made our way to the ultrasound office. We checked in, waited, got called back, got gooped up and it started. All was normal. But it wasn't normal. The word normal will forever stick out in my mind from that day because the ultrasound tech used that word for everything at the beginning. Until...she said, "now let's take a look at the head..." Pause. Silence. Up until that point she reminded me of the teacher from Ferris Beullers day off, but instead of saying, "Beuller, Beuller" , she kept saying, " and here is the _____, strong and normal." And this silence gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. And I finally asked, " Is it normal?" And thus began our whirlwind of a holiday season. No, not normal. No not perfect. But beautiful nonetheless. A beautiful, but exhausting whirlwind of emotions and events and thoughts and growth.

I really was not sure what this season would do to me. But, ironically, its mostly been normal. Our Thanksgiving was quiet and lovely. I did some hard core Black Friday shopping and got some killer deals on gifts for the boys. Of course, when I have a quiet moment to spare, I recall the events of last holiday season, and my heart aches for that mother, and I think to myself, "Oh, I do not want to go through that ever again." To be honest, I don't think I could.

It is hard to remember the past, but I know that its good for me. Catharsis for my soul. I remember thinking at one time that it totally sucked to have this happen during the most beautiful time of the year. But, I think, that its the perfect time. For, when I think of Luisa, and all that we went through, my thoughts always eventually turn to the Saviour, and this is His special holiday.

So this first anniversary, the date when we found out that we were to be the parents of a girl that had a slim to none chance of survival, has been ok. It's been normal. Cleaning, errands, wrangling young children. And now this wonderful moment of quiet to ponder and reflect.

WRITTEN BY Kat

Coming upon the end of a year

I am a horrible blogger. I didn't start this blog though with the intent to blog. I started it with the intent to record a very important event in my life. For me, this blog has really been more of a journal.
At the end of this month it will be one year since that fateful day where we went to the gender ultrasound that changed us forever. I cannot believe that almost a year has passed. I am glad that its finally here though. I am glad that time, in true fashion, has marched on, whether I was ready for it to march or not. Its almost satisfying to look back on what has passed, and how I've gotten through it, knowing that I really am a better person for it. Not a perfect person, by any means, but definitely better. I am a bit anxious though to see how the next couple of months will be as we come upon these meaningful and emotional anniversaries. Wow, like I said, I can't believe its here. It just seems like, for awhile, I was quite literally just barely putting one foot in front of the other, and then gradually I would add to that. And now, here we are.
It has been said that we need to prepare for the future ( as much as possible), remember and learn from the past, but we need to live in the present. That is something that I have really been trying to do these past couple of months. And maybe thats why I have been absent from this blog.
But, there is news in our lives here. I. Am. Pregnant. Yes, its true. I'm in my 15th week or there about. I was actually pregnant with Luisa at this time last year. I almost feel like I get a do over. My due date is May 19, just 3 weeks after Luisa's due date. I am so happy and grateful. It has been a hard pregnancy though. The hardest one so far. I'm sure the emotional anxiety is not helping. But, so far so good. Thank you for reading. More to come as the anniversaries arrive.

8 Months

It's so interesting how trials shape who we are. Whether or not we want them to. Will we allow those trials to help mold our characters, our selves into something stronger, more beautiful, more interesting, more enlightened, more wise? Or do we fight against those trials and become instead hardened, and bitter, and angry, and ugly? I think it is an ongoing battle of our human selves. To let go, and let God, or to kick against the pricks. Clearly, the better way is the first way.

Today as I was driving by the cemetery that we have here on our little city I yearned to stop and take a little walk and run to the store real quick to pick up some flowers to leave on some sweet soul's grave. I wanted to stop and take a breath and ponder about life, and death, and spirits and heaven. And cemeteries, I think, are a good place to do that. But, I glanced at the thermometer on the car that read 108 degrees and sighed and thought to myself, not today.

I've also been wanting to do some service. I've been meaning to call the nurses at the hospital that I delivered Luisa at to see if there is something that I can do, or donate to help them with the service they do with their Baby Loss Committee. I really hope that I can do something. I often think about those sweet ladies. I think of them as earthly angels to me. I think that when I think of them I will always feel a swell of gratitude in my heart for the kindness they gave me.

6 and 7 months have passed

I feel like I should write something today but I'm not sure what so this might be a little disorganized.

At the 6 month-i-versary my husband, two boys and I were in our van driving to Utah and Idaho for our annual summer vacation up to the great north. While in Utah we did stop at Luisa's grave with my parents. Its a beautiful spot that I love in a beautiful city that I also love.

Now tomorrow marks the 7 months since Luisa's birth and death. Today I was talking to a sweet lady at church and I had mentioned to her that I am at peace with Luisa not being here on Earth with me and that I had been at peace for awhile. But that I still am on that path of grieving. The thing that I struggle with now is anger and irritability. But not at her being gone, just generally but I know that it is somehow connected to her death. And this sweet lady had said that its sadness being brought outward. And I thought about that. Because, in all honesty, I don't feel sad. But if I consciously bring up my emotions right now about having lost a child, I do feel irritated and angry. And I thought some more, and I think she is right. It is sadness. Sad because I wanted a girl so so much, and although I know I will see her again, she's not here now. Sad because I had a plan and now that plan doesn't exist and I wonder to myself, should I even bother having a plan? I mean I am in the Lord's hands. Sad because we have been trying and trying to have another baby for several months now and we are not, yet. Not that the trying isn't great, but you know...

The Lord's plan is better than what I could come up with for myself, but its not easier.

Ever since Luisa's stillbirth I still, subconsciously put a hand on my womb. And it was empty. That gave me a slight pang of hurt. Her original due date has passed and I still put my hand on my womb, and I still feel a pang. I just feel that it should not be empty. That makes me angry and irritable. Those feelings are there and manifest themselves with me being cranky, fiesty, sarcastic, impatient. But now that I realize what I and my emotions are doing, it is time to face the music, so to speak, and figure out what to do next. Yes this path of grievance is quite the journey. So, now I know specifically what I need to pray for, right? Thats a good thing.

On a better note, I was thinking of the beauty that I have also seen on this journey. I have changed for the better in many ways. I feel that I am able to see people in a new, kinder light. I have seen such sweetness and thoughtfulness given to me. I have an aunt up in Idaho. She told me that she is going to plant a tree, a memorial tree in her yard up there in Idaho in honor of Luisa. I can't remember what tree, but I do remember she said it had white blossoms. My heart was filled with gratitude and light when she told me. It made me so happy.

So I pray that I can, not just recognize the kindness and good qualities in others, but that I can take that and then in turn be a little kinder to those around me. I am sure it will help my crankiness and irritability :).

Faith and Perspective

During one of my daily scripture studies, I came across this quote from a leader in my church:

"We live to die, and we die to live again. From an eternal perspective, the only death that is truly premature is the death of one who is not prepared to meet God."
-Elder Russell M. Nelson

And who is better prepared to meet God than a sweet, innocent baby? That statement brings me comfort.

Having gone through the experience of losing a child to death and then going through the grieving process has really opened my eyes more to trials and hardships that we all go through. It is my belief that life was meant to be hard. And I think that if we look hard enough we are always going to find someone who is in a worse spot than we are. These hard times in life are a test of our faith and commitment to our Heavenly Father. Keeping in mind that others are going through really difficult times helps to keep my own situation in what I think is a proper perspective. Its not easy, but like I said, life is not supposed to be easy. In that same talk by Elder Nelson, he goes on to say:

"...our faith now becomes part of our posterity's faith later..."

Thinking about that helps me to see that me having faith that all will be well is not just for me, but for my family and loved ones,too. Again, not easy, but I know its the right thing to do.