I feel like I should write something today but I'm not sure what so this might be a little disorganized.
At the 6 month-i-versary my husband, two boys and I were in our van driving to Utah and Idaho for our annual summer vacation up to the great north. While in Utah we did stop at Luisa's grave with my parents. Its a beautiful spot that I love in a beautiful city that I also love.
Now tomorrow marks the 7 months since Luisa's birth and death. Today I was talking to a sweet lady at church and I had mentioned to her that I am at peace with Luisa not being here on Earth with me and that I had been at peace for awhile. But that I still am on that path of grieving. The thing that I struggle with now is anger and irritability. But not at her being gone, just generally but I know that it is somehow connected to her death. And this sweet lady had said that its sadness being brought outward. And I thought about that. Because, in all honesty, I don't feel sad. But if I consciously bring up my emotions right now about having lost a child, I do feel irritated and angry. And I thought some more, and I think she is right. It is sadness. Sad because I wanted a girl so so much, and although I know I will see her again, she's not here now. Sad because I had a plan and now that plan doesn't exist and I wonder to myself, should I even bother having a plan? I mean I am in the Lord's hands. Sad because we have been trying and trying to have another baby for several months now and we are not, yet. Not that the trying isn't great, but you know...
The Lord's plan is better than what I could come up with for myself, but its not easier.
Ever since Luisa's stillbirth I still, subconsciously put a hand on my womb. And it was empty. That gave me a slight pang of hurt. Her original due date has passed and I still put my hand on my womb, and I still feel a pang. I just feel that it should not be empty. That makes me angry and irritable. Those feelings are there and manifest themselves with me being cranky, fiesty, sarcastic, impatient. But now that I realize what I and my emotions are doing, it is time to face the music, so to speak, and figure out what to do next. Yes this path of grievance is quite the journey. So, now I know specifically what I need to pray for, right? Thats a good thing.
On a better note, I was thinking of the beauty that I have also seen on this journey. I have changed for the better in many ways. I feel that I am able to see people in a new, kinder light. I have seen such sweetness and thoughtfulness given to me. I have an aunt up in Idaho. She told me that she is going to plant a tree, a memorial tree in her yard up there in Idaho in honor of Luisa. I can't remember what tree, but I do remember she said it had white blossoms. My heart was filled with gratitude and light when she told me. It made me so happy.
So I pray that I can, not just recognize the kindness and good qualities in others, but that I can take that and then in turn be a little kinder to those around me. I am sure it will help my crankiness and irritability :).