During one of my daily scripture studies, I came across this quote from a leader in my church:
"We live to die, and we die to live again. From an eternal perspective, the only death that is truly premature is the death of one who is not prepared to meet God."
-Elder Russell M. Nelson
And who is better prepared to meet God than a sweet, innocent baby? That statement brings me comfort.
Having gone through the experience of losing a child to death and then going through the grieving process has really opened my eyes more to trials and hardships that we all go through. It is my belief that life was meant to be hard. And I think that if we look hard enough we are always going to find someone who is in a worse spot than we are. These hard times in life are a test of our faith and commitment to our Heavenly Father. Keeping in mind that others are going through really difficult times helps to keep my own situation in what I think is a proper perspective. Its not easy, but like I said, life is not supposed to be easy. In that same talk by Elder Nelson, he goes on to say:
"...our faith now becomes part of our posterity's faith later..."
Thinking about that helps me to see that me having faith that all will be well is not just for me, but for my family and loved ones,too. Again, not easy, but I know its the right thing to do.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tonight I read back from the beginning of this blog. I cried for that Mother, and find it hard to believe that that Mother is me. Looking back, I cannot believe what I've been through. Going through and reading what I had wrote while in the thick of things brought back to me how truly painful that time was. I am so glad that I remembered to mention the blessings, too. Such as the peace and love that I was blessed to have and the kindness and service that was rendered to me. Because the pain is very distinct in those entries. At least for me. Don't know if it was a good idea to go back and do that, but it's done. I am so grateful to people, friends, old and new who reached out with words of love and support. I will never forget you and hope that I can give back in that way many times throughout my life. I truly hope that Lord will bless you.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
They finally got Luisa's permanent headstone in place. I can't wait to see it in person. This is a picture that my mother in law took. I think it is lovely.
Last night as I was talking to my husband I realized that the 5-month-iversary of Luisa's death has already passed and I didn't even give it a thought. On June 1, the date of the 5-month-iversary, I was at a new doctor, just a family doctor, getting blood work done to make sure all is well, especially with my thyroid. And it is. But, honestly, I did not even think about it being the 5-month-iversary. I thought about her, I do every day, multiple times a day. But it was just a regular day doing regular things. I wonder if people think me cold and unfeeling for having passed the day this way. If they do, they would be wrong. But, I think its a good thing to have forgotten the 5-month-iversary. I think it shows that we are moving forward. And do you know what I think is so wonderful? We are moving forward AND she is still in my mind and in my heart. It is possible to move forward and not forget.
We still feel negative affects though, from having lost a child. My biggest hurdle lately has been emotional fatigue. I just feel done. I am not sure what I am done with. Just done. I want a break, a vacation. I don't want to be needed, I just want to refuel myself a bit. I just feel so tired of doing, I just want to be. And I am really looking forward to this summer to just be with my boys and enjoy them and have fun with them.
I still feel a loss and tender feelings. Sometimes I get so irritable for no reason. Or I feel so awkward for no reason. Some might say, who doesn't? But its different then being irritable and awkward pre-Luisa. And I think it is my inner self still trying to adjust and move forward. Although moving forward is a good thing, and the best thing in my opinion. Its not always the easiest thing. But I feel peace knowing that we are making steps in the right direction. I know that she has moved forward. I am sure that she is one busy little angel. I love her so. Her headstone is in place, she is in the right place and we are in our right place.