The Reason

This blog was started as a way for me to record our, my daughter Luisa and our family's, journey with Amniotic Band Syndrome that presented itself on the head of our sweet daughter. And has turned into a journey of dealing with a fatal prognosis, and the very premature death of our sweet baby. My great hope is that we might be able to help at least someone, if not more, by sharing this experience.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A Year Ago Part I

A year ago.... we had just gotten back from visiting family up in Utah the night before. With two young boys, it was a tiring trip. We busily and excitedly got ready for the day. An exciting day. Ultrasound day. We took the boys to the sitter and made our way to the ultrasound office. We checked in, waited, got called back, got gooped up and it started. All was normal. But it wasn't normal. The word normal will forever stick out in my mind from that day because the ultrasound tech used that word for everything at the beginning. Until...she said, "now let's take a look at the head..." Pause. Silence. Up until that point she reminded me of the teacher from Ferris Beullers day off, but instead of saying, "Beuller, Beuller" , she kept saying, " and here is the _____, strong and normal." And this silence gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. And I finally asked, " Is it normal?" And thus began our whirlwind of a holiday season. No, not normal. No not perfect. But beautiful nonetheless. A beautiful, but exhausting whirlwind of emotions and events and thoughts and growth.

I really was not sure what this season would do to me. But, ironically, its mostly been normal. Our Thanksgiving was quiet and lovely. I did some hard core Black Friday shopping and got some killer deals on gifts for the boys. Of course, when I have a quiet moment to spare, I recall the events of last holiday season, and my heart aches for that mother, and I think to myself, "Oh, I do not want to go through that ever again." To be honest, I don't think I could.

It is hard to remember the past, but I know that its good for me. Catharsis for my soul. I remember thinking at one time that it totally sucked to have this happen during the most beautiful time of the year. But, I think, that its the perfect time. For, when I think of Luisa, and all that we went through, my thoughts always eventually turn to the Saviour, and this is His special holiday.

So this first anniversary, the date when we found out that we were to be the parents of a girl that had a slim to none chance of survival, has been ok. It's been normal. Cleaning, errands, wrangling young children. And now this wonderful moment of quiet to ponder and reflect.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Coming upon the end of a year

I am a horrible blogger. I didn't start this blog though with the intent to blog. I started it with the intent to record a very important event in my life. For me, this blog has really been more of a journal.
At the end of this month it will be one year since that fateful day where we went to the gender ultrasound that changed us forever. I cannot believe that almost a year has passed. I am glad that its finally here though. I am glad that time, in true fashion, has marched on, whether I was ready for it to march or not. Its almost satisfying to look back on what has passed, and how I've gotten through it, knowing that I really am a better person for it. Not a perfect person, by any means, but definitely better. I am a bit anxious though to see how the next couple of months will be as we come upon these meaningful and emotional anniversaries. Wow, like I said, I can't believe its here. It just seems like, for awhile, I was quite literally just barely putting one foot in front of the other, and then gradually I would add to that. And now, here we are.
It has been said that we need to prepare for the future ( as much as possible), remember and learn from the past, but we need to live in the present. That is something that I have really been trying to do these past couple of months. And maybe thats why I have been absent from this blog.
But, there is news in our lives here. I. Am. Pregnant. Yes, its true. I'm in my 15th week or there about. I was actually pregnant with Luisa at this time last year. I almost feel like I get a do over. My due date is May 19, just 3 weeks after Luisa's due date. I am so happy and grateful. It has been a hard pregnancy though. The hardest one so far. I'm sure the emotional anxiety is not helping. But, so far so good. Thank you for reading. More to come as the anniversaries arrive.