The Reason

This blog was started as a way for me to record our, my daughter Luisa and our family's, journey with Amniotic Band Syndrome that presented itself on the head of our sweet daughter. And has turned into a journey of dealing with a fatal prognosis, and the very premature death of our sweet baby. My great hope is that we might be able to help at least someone, if not more, by sharing this experience.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Blechiness and a Date

Do you know what is sad? Things have been so out of whack for us the past few weeks that I feel like I have not had time to ponder on my sweet baby Luisa. And you know what? Although I feel like we are doing pretty well, overall, with this whole grieving thing, I still need time to just ponder on her and feel emotions connected to her and remember how special her life is to me. I NEED that. Right now. I am not ready to be done with grieving and I know that is ok. Its just been harder to do. And you know what is just a pity? The cause of our out of whack-ness is microscopic. Not able to be seen with the naked eye. That would be bacteria, or a virus. Sinus infections, ear infections, croup, blechiness and LOTS of crying. We don't handle illness well in our house. I just put the kids down for naptime/quiettime and I stood in front of Luisa's Memory Wall ( we put up a memory wall that I will hopefully post pictures of soon. With her picture and a dress and some other momentos) and breathed. It was nice. I felt like I was breathing in her memory as I stood there. And I felt like I was breathing in her sweetness and love. And Paul Cardall was playing in the background and I just felt the need to share these thoughts.

A few weeks ago I decided that I needed to date myself. My husband and I are pretty good about dating each other. Every Friday night. Whether we go out or stay in, we date every Friday night. And its nice. Last Friday was Olive Garden take-out with a diet Cherry Coke and The Last of the Airbenders via Netflix. Date night is a tradition that I love and that we need. But, in my quest to evolve into this new woman that I am becoming now having gone through this difficult, yet beautiful experience; I decided that its high time that I start dating myself. So now, every Thursday night is my date night...with myself. The first date stank, as first dates often do. I cleaned bathrooms, and I vowed never to waste a date night doing THAT again. The second date, I read and read and read a really good book. It was lovely. The third date, I decided that I needed to go out. So I went to Michael's and bought things that I really don't need and it was awesome. And then I went to Kohl's and bought not one, but two dresses ( one for church, and a sweet one for hubby date nights out). Ahhh, bliss. And I went out to dinner at Paradise and enjoyed being me... and I thought... and thought... and thought upon my daughter. And how happy I am that she is my daughter...forever, and I know she is. And I felt my spirits being lifted. And I knew then and know now that these dates with myself are not just nice, but necessary. So, tonight, for my date night, I am going to a church activity for just the women in our congregation, and then I think I might go to Coldstone. Or Trader Joes. Or....who knows. But I am looking forward to it. And my husband? Well, he's getting used to it, and once the kids go to bed, I know he enjoys having some time to himself to do really important Geek Guys things. Like, play games on his phone or Playstation. So its kind of a date night for himself, too. I think we all should date ourselves.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Lessons Learned

I have learned so much from this experience, this journey with Luisa. One reason why I feel such love for her, and so thankful that she was a part of my life is because of how much I learned and how much I've grown. Although the change has not been easy, I do not regret, or despise, or shun anything that has happened concerning Luisa. I still feel some pain, now and then. Usually, recently anyway, its only been when I am with a pregnant woman or a new mommy. I do feel a bit of pain, and its difficult, but its getting better, its getting a bit easier, each time I happen to be with one of those two types of women. But here are some lessons I have learned:

1. People are beautiful, much more so than I really realized before.
2. The relationships we have with our spouses, our children, our parents ( through blood and marriage ), our siblings ( through blood and marriage ) and our close, dear friends are things that are truly priceless and most important, being trumped only by our relationship with our Heavenly Father. I see the people in my life differently. I love them more dearly. I feel more grateful than before that I have them in my life.
3. Pregnancy and child birth are truly miraculous events. That is something I took for granted before because both of my previous pregnancies were totally easy and both of my boys were and are completely whole and healthy. It is a miracle that we have so many healthy, happy children running around this place.
4. There is beauty in death. I do not mean that in a weird, goth way. What I mean is that, death is a transition from our earthly life, to our eternal, heavenly life. The beauty of it is, it brings a closeness to those that are left here on earth that no other event really can, and once you have experienced the loss of a dear, loved one, it brings a depth to your character that no other event can. There is also beauty in knowing that your dear one is going home. To their real home. To their real parents ( because I believe in a Heavenly Mother as well) to be in a state of joy and happiness that is just not possible here on Earth. At least not consistently possible.
5. Our relationship with our Heavenly Father is essential, plain and simple. Read your scriptures, pray, meditate, be obedient, repent NOW, so when hard times come, which they will, you will make it through. I am so grateful for the relationship that I had with my Heavenly Father before. I know thats why I haven't fallen into a pit of darkness and despair. I can see how that can easily happen in a situation like ours. I know its because of the faith that we had, as well as that of our dear family and friends that we were lifted and able to move forward and that is how we still do it today, and that is how we will be able to make it through the rest of our trials. And I am so grateful for the relationship that I have with Him now. It has only been strengthened and more developed.

I am sure there have been more things that I have learned but those are the things that stick out to me right now. I hope that for anyone going through a hard time right now, especially the loss of a baby, or anyone for that matter, is able to see the good in what they are going through and be able to make that difficult time something that will make them stronger and be something they and those around them can benefit from.

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day to one and all. I love Valentines Day because we get to celebrate two of my favorite things, love and friendship, with two more of my favorite things, chocolate and flowers. Its awesome.

When I first started this blog it was because I felt an urgent need to record what we were going through with Luisa's diagnosis of Amniotic Band Syndrome and then Acrania. I wanted to make sure that everything that I was feeling, and thinking was recorded. As well as the events, and information, and the blessings. The journey ended so soon, much sooner than I anticipated. But, it happened how it happened, and I know there is a reason, and I have accepted it. As time goes on, I feel less of a need to blog on Luisa's blog, and more of a need to record the events and thoughts and feelings of what is happening with my boys. Since this blog is dedicated to Luisa, I won't be sharing our other stuff on here. I might be doing it on my regular blog (, but I might just do it in a different way altogether. So you will see less, and less of me here. But if you are interested in what we are up to you are welcome to read my other blog ( see above ) or find me on facebook.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

One Month-iversary

Today marks one month since I have delivered Luisa's stillborn body. Yesterday was worse than today, I think, because of anticipating what this day would be like. I wasn't sure if I would be emotional or sad or what, and yesterday I was pretty bummed out. But today there were some sensitive moments, but overall a very peaceful day. I had a sweet friend, my old roommate from college who is living here in Phoenix temporarily, pay me an unexpected visit. Luckily, today, I decided to get dressed and not stay in my pajamas all day. She brought me a pot of bright, happy, yellow Gerbera Daisies to plant in a memorial garden for Luisa. And chocolate truffles ( that'll lift me out of any slump). And then my sweet, adorable, almost-ready-to-start-her-80th-year Grandmother called. She never calls. But she did call, today. She just wanted to see how we were doing. So, it really was a nice day.