Sunday, June 5, 2011
They finally got Luisa's permanent headstone in place. I can't wait to see it in person. This is a picture that my mother in law took. I think it is lovely.
Last night as I was talking to my husband I realized that the 5-month-iversary of Luisa's death has already passed and I didn't even give it a thought. On June 1, the date of the 5-month-iversary, I was at a new doctor, just a family doctor, getting blood work done to make sure all is well, especially with my thyroid. And it is. But, honestly, I did not even think about it being the 5-month-iversary. I thought about her, I do every day, multiple times a day. But it was just a regular day doing regular things. I wonder if people think me cold and unfeeling for having passed the day this way. If they do, they would be wrong. But, I think its a good thing to have forgotten the 5-month-iversary. I think it shows that we are moving forward. And do you know what I think is so wonderful? We are moving forward AND she is still in my mind and in my heart. It is possible to move forward and not forget.
We still feel negative affects though, from having lost a child. My biggest hurdle lately has been emotional fatigue. I just feel done. I am not sure what I am done with. Just done. I want a break, a vacation. I don't want to be needed, I just want to refuel myself a bit. I just feel so tired of doing, I just want to be. And I am really looking forward to this summer to just be with my boys and enjoy them and have fun with them.
I still feel a loss and tender feelings. Sometimes I get so irritable for no reason. Or I feel so awkward for no reason. Some might say, who doesn't? But its different then being irritable and awkward pre-Luisa. And I think it is my inner self still trying to adjust and move forward. Although moving forward is a good thing, and the best thing in my opinion. Its not always the easiest thing. But I feel peace knowing that we are making steps in the right direction. I know that she has moved forward. I am sure that she is one busy little angel. I love her so. Her headstone is in place, she is in the right place and we are in our right place.