Tomorrow is April 29. A rather insignificant date to most people, even to me until just recently. April 29 was Luisa's proclaimed due date back before we knew of her ABS and Acrania. Just a little bit ago I was not looking forward to this day. But, today I am okay, resigned, even at peace. Why?
Well, last week we went up to Salt Lake City, Utah for Easter, to visit family, and to visit Luisa's grave. I was sooooo looking forward to this trip. And it was a nice trip, but it was not what I had anticipated. I had planned to go visit her grave everyday that we were there. The first day I brought the little boys with me. A mistake. I won't tell you what they did because it was totally irreverant, and boy-like. We put pretty pink flowers on her grave. The second day, I went alone. It was nice, peaceful. I put a beautiful, fresh bouquet of white shasta daisies on her grave. I cried a bit, pondered much. The third day, I went with my husband. We put a very pretty, girly pink easter basket flower arrangement on her grave. I loved it. I wish I had taken a picture, but I didn't think to. And I thought. And thought. And we left. And I thought some more. Through the rest of our trip, and into several days of being home, and this is what I have come up with.
I think, with this visit, I was expecting a grand, spiritually illuminating experience. And it wasn't. It was nice, quite normal actually, and that was not what I had anticipated. That third day that we were at her grave, this scripture came into my mind:
"...Why seek ye the living among the dead?" - Luke 24:5
This scripture is in reference to the resurrection of Christ from the tomb, but it struck me as being pertinent to my situation right there at my daughters grave. She is not dead. She is not there. Her body is, for now. But she is with our Father in Heaven. Wow. So awesome for her. And she, and my Heavenly Father, and my brother Jesus Christ, and all of my other loved ones that have passed on before her, want me to be among the living. I know that she has moved on, and I need to as well. I need to spend my time and energy in becoming the wonderful and supportive Wife that my husband needs, and into a strong, nurturing Mother that my sweet ( although at times devilish) boys need, and deserve, and a righteous Woman so that I can be in Heaven eternally with my family, with my sweet Luisa.
So tomorrow will come and with it I will make the most of the day by being among the living, most especially with my husband and children.
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I'm glad that the lead up to the due date hasn't been too hard. I found the lead up to Jacob's be to be much worse than his actual due date.
ReplyDeleteI really like what you wrote, how you have to be among the living and how Luisa is not dead, that she is not in that grave. It does help to think that. I'm approaching 11 months without Jacob. I'll have to keep this idea in my mind.
Thinking of you tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteSending you HUGS sweet Momma on this day - Luisa's due date. Glad to hear that you were able to visit her grave. Prayers that you can be here with the living although a piece of your heart will always be with Luisa.
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug. The due date is a tough milestone and you're very brave.
ReplyDeleteI was worried about you and Brent leading up to the due date.... That was always the tough part for me. I am happy you were able to visit her grave and make it a positive memory. Sounds very nice and special (and yes boys can be devilish at times but we can't help but love them.)
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