Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Christmas Let Down
Yesterday I woke up groggy, and cranky. And I thought to myself, "What is my problem?" As I got in the shower and started thinking about Christmas and what a great Christmas it was and all of the days leading up to Christmas and how much I really enjoyed it all, I realized that I was cranky because I was suffering from Christmas let down. Last year, the holiday season was hard. I was trying to stay positive and have good holiday cheer, and really, for the most part, I was successful, but it took conscious effort. A lot of it. This year, I think I really wanted to make up for the things that we missed out on, or that I missed and I just threw myself into this holiday season with more crazy black friday shopping than I have ever done in my life, tons and tons of baking, and making homemade gifts like a mad woman. All things that I love doing every year, but this year I did them with reckless abandon and I LOVED IT! And then watching my boys on Christmas day, the happiness, oh it was wonderful. And then unwrapping a gift, the first gift, to Karina (our new little girl joining our family in May) brought tears of joy to my eyes. So then waking up on Monday was a big bummer because I felt like I now have nothing to look forward to but a big fat ominous black date, December 29. And the three days that follow it. For December 29, 2010 and the days following were some of the worst in my life. And then I cried. I sat down in that bathroom and cried. I cried for the pain that I went through last year, and I cried for the loss and I cried for this upcoming anniversary. Then I went on with my day, and at the end of the day I was so exhausted and worn out, and I cried again for the same things. And then my husband came back to our room, and we talked, and we held each other and I fell asleep and I woke up this morning feeling quite better. I don't feel the black ominous date of December 29 looming at me like it was yesterday. But it is definitely on my mind. I can't keep the memories of what I was doing on this day last year, and how I was feeling on this day last year, out. So I don't. I just let them come and feel a pang of sadness within myself. I think its good to feel emotions unreserved at times. I don't think its good to get lost in them or let them consume you, but I do think its good to just let them come. I think avoiding them or hiding or burying them is, in a way, being dishonest with yourself. So I let them come but almost always, accompanying those difficult emotions I have the thoughts and rememberances of beautiful and good things, things to be very grateful for. So this is how I am doing today.