The Reason

This blog was started as a way for me to record our, my daughter Luisa and our family's, journey with Amniotic Band Syndrome that presented itself on the head of our sweet daughter. And has turned into a journey of dealing with a fatal prognosis, and the very premature death of our sweet baby. My great hope is that we might be able to help at least someone, if not more, by sharing this experience.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Remembering December 29 and December 30.

Last year on December 29, we were at an ultrasound looking at Luisa's lifeless body on the screen. I was dreading this day this year because I was afraid or anxious about what emotions would come out. Because I remember quite clearly what I was feeling a year ago on this day, and heartbreak just doesn't seem to illustrate the pain and loss enough. This year, I felt bound and determined to do whatever I could to make this a special and peaceful day, one where I would feel some sort of sadness, but where I would be able to also feel, and even more than the sadness, a Spirit of Love, and gratitude, along with peace. And I accomplished that goal.
My husband and I were married on December 30. A year ago, that anniversary was almost completely overshadowed by the sad events that were taking place. So this year, to make up for it and really celebrate being together for 5 years, we had a little 3 day,2 night getaway. So on the 29th, I woke up in a cute little cabin in the mountains with a fire glowing in the fireplace. And I knew that the day would include everything that I had desired. We spent the day in Salt Lake City by the temple. We were married in the Salt Lake City LDS temple. It is a place that is beyond beautiful, and the spirit that is there was beyond beautiful. If you are ever in Salt Lake City, you MUST visit Temple Square, which is where the temple is located. You will not be allowed inside the temple unless you are a member of the LDS church that holds a temple recommend, but you still will be impressed by the beauty and spirit of this wonderful place and all that it signifies. The main reason why we chose to be married in the temple is because in the church that I belong to we believe that families can be together forever. Yes, forever. We believe that there is much more than just this life. We believe in Eternity. And we believe the special ordinances that happen in the temple will seal us forever with our families. So, being there on the day when we knew that our daughter had left this earth was special, because being there at the temple which for me symbolizes a Forever Family was so, so comforting, and I felt happy, even on this day that was such a terribly sad day for me a year ago.

December 30, our anniversary, we woke up in a pyramid. Well, a room made to look like a pyramid at the Anniversary Inn. We took our time getting ready and then visited the cemetery to see the grave once more and put a pretty bouquet with pink and white daisies. I LOVED that bouquet. I love that cemetery. It is such a peaceful, beautiful place. The feelings that I felt on December 30 2011, were soooooo different than those I felt on the same day in 2010. A year ago, I felt so low and dejected and numb, which in my opinion, I think it is worse to feel numb emotionally than to feel pain. It was a horrible place to be in. But on this day, in 2011, I did feel a little sad, tears stung my eyes a bit, but I could not help but feel peace and love. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father who blesses me with these emotional gifts.

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