One Month-iversary

Today marks one month since I have delivered Luisa's stillborn body. Yesterday was worse than today, I think, because of anticipating what this day would be like. I wasn't sure if I would be emotional or sad or what, and yesterday I was pretty bummed out. But today there were some sensitive moments, but overall a very peaceful day. I had a sweet friend, my old roommate from college who is living here in Phoenix temporarily, pay me an unexpected visit. Luckily, today, I decided to get dressed and not stay in my pajamas all day. She brought me a pot of bright, happy, yellow Gerbera Daisies to plant in a memorial garden for Luisa. And chocolate truffles ( that'll lift me out of any slump). And then my sweet, adorable, almost-ready-to-start-her-80th-year Grandmother called. She never calls. But she did call, today. She just wanted to see how we were doing. So, it really was a nice day.

Kindness

Last week was my first full week back to life. It was a toughy for me, as stated by my previous post, but I survived with a smile still on my face. Despite what some people might think, I am actually happy. I still smile, and laugh, and enjoy. But something that hasn't returned is light-heartedness. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but me, but I don't feel light hearted. But I also don't think thats bad. I have a different perspective on my purpose in life, that's all. Anyway, today I wanted to mention kindness.

Last week, at the beginning of my toughy week, I went to Frys Marketplace to get some things so that we can actually eat good food that I have prepared in my own kitchen, because up till last week we had been surviving on the generosity of some sweet ladies from my church who brought us GREAT meals, and LOTS of it so that we could eat some then and freeze for later. And that supply was gone. And I think we were getting tired of pizza, Dominoes or Papa Murphys, love them, but we were reaching our limits. So I went to Fry's, a big step for me to getting back to life. Got the "race cart", the best invention ever with two small boys, got the groceries, rang them all up, went to pay... and I DIDN'T have my wallet. And of course I didn't have my checkbook because who carries those around anymore. Ugghhh. So, I sincerely apologized to the cashier, promised to be back in 20 minutes to pay and pick up my groceries and headed out the door sooooo annoyed with myself. When all of the sudden this sweetheart of a girl, about 12 or 13, who reminded me of my niece back in Utah, came up to me breathless ( she had been running apparently) and said, " Excuse me, excuse me. But, um, my grandma wants to pay for your groceries. Can she do that." Oh, so nice. But I said, "Oh no. Thank you though. Tell your Grandma thank you, but thats ok. I'll just go home and get my wallet. Thanks again." And then she left. So I start getting my two boys strapped in the car when this sweetheart girl runs up to me again saying, " Ummm, my Grandma ALREADY paid for your groceries." So then this sweetheart girl ran all the way back, got my groceries, brought them out to my car, and I tearfully thanked her and asked her to please tell her Grandmother how thankful I was for her kindness. I love hearing stories like this. I love that it happened to me. I felt so humbled, and pretty undeserving, but very, very grateful.

The Struggle, The Solution

THE STRUGGLE
I went back to church a couple of Sunday's ago. Going to church these past two Sundays has been hard. I usually love going to church, but to be honest, these past two Sundays, I have dreaded it and although I do learn something, I don't feel the same spiritual refreshment I have gotten in the past. Why? That is a question that I have been asking myself. It could be because there are lots of new Mommys and babies in our congregation. It could be because people really don't have experience with a Mother in my position so they either make really awkward weird comments or avoid me altogether. I don't really blame them, but I don't like it either. It could be because I am a different person now and I just don't feel like I can go be the same person I was before and I am kind-of awkward myself.

My husband has totally gotten back in to his routine, and that was something that did not sit well with me. Going back to work was not as big of a deal, but it was the other stuff. His church responsibilities, and other miscellaneous responsibilities that keep him from cuddling with me on the couch, and holding me and comforting me the way I felt like I needed.

I tried to express these struggles that I was having to my husband. Seeking from him some comfort and peace through all the inner turmoil I was feeling. I knew that I would be sad about Luisa passing away, but these other struggles were unexpected and I was not handling them well at all. While expressing myself to my husband, the things he did and said did not bring that peace and comfort I needed, and then I felt worse.

THE SOLUTION
In the midst of this I cried and prayed and read trying to understand what to do next. And an answer came, "Go to the temple." So I did. And while there I realized that I was going to him, Brent, my husband for comfort and peace, but what I REALLY needed, was HIM, Heavenly Father. It is only through Him that real comfort and peace can come. So simple, but I just didn't see it. While at the temple I also had more thoughts and direction come to me that I needed. Things that are so simple, but very profound. Also, very personal, so not something I can share on a public blog. But I did want to share this:

"There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions." - Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf ( taken from his talk: Of Things That Matter Most

I am finding that the things that matter most, the truly essential things of life are simple things. The solutions to our problems and struggles are simple. This does not mean easy, but simple.

Ever since that enlightening day at the temple I have felt so much better and I feel like I know now what direction to take in my grieving and where to go having had gone through such a difficult and yet amazing experience with Luisa, my daughter that I love so very much.

Stylish Blogger

Thank you Jamie and Melissa for giving me this award. So here are the rules:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

Here are seven things about myself:
1. My name is Kathleen, but most everyone calls me Kat ( except for my family ), but I do not like cats.
2. I am a teacher by trade, elementary school, I taught 1st and 2nd grade at various times for 6 years and I have been a stay at home mom for about 3 1/2 years. And today I decided that I am going to be a professional Mom because although I liked aspects of teaching ( the kids, other teachers ) there were a lot of aspects I didn't like ( the paper work, NCLB), and I want to spend my life doing something I love, and right now that is being a mom. Although I think being a baker would be great too.
3. I have a big fear of flying in an airplane through a tornado with scorpions crawling up my leg. It hasn't happened yet THANK GOODNESS!
4. I love to drink hot cocoa. I even had a hot cocoa bar at my wedding reception. Unfortunately, living in a hot desert, my hot cocoa season is very short.
5. I am Puerto Rican. Well, half Puerto Rican, so I guess I'm Gringa-Rican. My mom was born and raised on the island, a beautiful place that I love, and my dad is from California. They met at college and the rest is history.
6. I hate cleaning bathrooms, especially showers and I hate potty training.
7. I love hanging out with my husband, taking my kids to the park, Cherry Coke, chocolate chip cookies ( and the dough), the band Coldplay, earrings and taking sunday afternoon naps.

That is basically me in a nutshell. Now this next part is kind of hard for me because I have not recently discovered 15 bloggers, so I might have to break the rule here. I hope thats ok.

1. Kara from Karinne Claire. The first baby loss mom that I "met". I will always be so grateful that I discovered the blog about her sweet daughter that also passed away from Acrania. She is a very hopeful and positive person.

2. Joanna from Beloved Vitoria. Oh how I love this sweet mother from Brazil, and her sweet daughter Vitoria. A true miracle. Vitoria is an Acrania survivor and she just celebrated her first birthday! I am so happy for that family.

3. Jennifer from Eli's Valley. This mother has some very profound postings that I have really enjoyed reading.

4. Sheri from Desperately Seeking Solid Ground, who's daughter Olivia also had ABS on her head resulting in premature delivery.

5. Amy from Bethany-Hope, another baby loss Mommy with some thoughtful postings.

6. Jamie from Forget Me Not Oh Lord who has been so sweet and uplifting for me during my own difficult time.

7. Melissa from Amazing Mikayla Grace, I have been touched by her story, the story of the premature death of her daughter, as well as her, Melissa's journey of healing.

Ok here is where I might be breaking some rules... I am just going to stop here because those are my most recently discovered blogs. Not quite 15, but all 7 have been helpful to me.

Luisa's Burial

We buried Luisa on Jan. 11, 2011, in Salt Lake City, Utah. It is such a beautiful spot. We had my husband's brother take pictures. I know it may seem strange, but I really want to remember everything, and pictures are the best way to do it. Even though it was so hard and I cried a lot. There was a very distinct sweet, peaceful spirit felt. Even though this experience is rough and challenging, I have found some beauty, or have traded the ashes of this experience for beauty ( see Isaiah 61: 1, 3 or this post).













“For the one who dies, life goes on and his free agency
continues; and death, which seems to us such a calamity, could
be a blessing in disguise...” - Pres. Spencer W. Kimball

Daisies

Two weeks ago today I delivered my sweet baby Luisa's still body. Last night as I was driving to Fry's Electronics ( my husband's favorite store ) with our two little boys I had an intense memory of being at the hospital and delivering my child. It was so intense that not only did I feel those emotions so intensely that I started to cry, but I also could almost smell the hospital room. And it didn't smell bad, but that is just how strong the memory was. It really caught me off guard. So today I decided to do something to kind of commemorate the day, in a way. I bought a bouquet of daisies, white pom daisies. I love them. I had a bouquet of white pom daisies and red roses for my wedding. I bought a beautiful arrangement of white pom daisies, spray pink baby roses and evergreen for Luisa's grave. And we had everyone at the burial service put a single white daisy on her casket. I remember standing in front, shivering, feet frozen, and taking a deep breath of that lovely daisy scent, and it actually made me smile, right there at my sweet Luisa's burial service. That is how much I love daisies. So today I bought some daisies and once again they made me smile.

Maternity Pictures

These pictures were taken two days before the final ultrasound of Luisa. They were taken by Lori Calhoun at Calhoun ink. I didn't get maternity photos with my boys. I have never been fond of my prego belly. But I am so, so happy that I have these pictures. And the next time I have a prego belly I will proudly flaunt and celebrate it.