I went back to church a couple of Sunday's ago. Going to church these past two Sundays has been hard. I usually love going to church, but to be honest, these past two Sundays, I have dreaded it and although I do learn something, I don't feel the same spiritual refreshment I have gotten in the past. Why? That is a question that I have been asking myself. It could be because there are lots of new Mommys and babies in our congregation. It could be because people really don't have experience with a Mother in my position so they either make really awkward weird comments or avoid me altogether. I don't really blame them, but I don't like it either. It could be because I am a different person now and I just don't feel like I can go be the same person I was before and I am kind-of awkward myself.
My husband has totally gotten back in to his routine, and that was something that did not sit well with me. Going back to work was not as big of a deal, but it was the other stuff. His church responsibilities, and other miscellaneous responsibilities that keep him from cuddling with me on the couch, and holding me and comforting me the way I felt like I needed.
I tried to express these struggles that I was having to my husband. Seeking from him some comfort and peace through all the inner turmoil I was feeling. I knew that I would be sad about Luisa passing away, but these other struggles were unexpected and I was not handling them well at all. While expressing myself to my husband, the things he did and said did not bring that peace and comfort I needed, and then I felt worse.
In the midst of this I cried and prayed and read trying to understand what to do next. And an answer came, "Go to the temple." So I did. And while there I realized that I was going to him, Brent, my husband for comfort and peace, but what I REALLY needed, was HIM, Heavenly Father. It is only through Him that real comfort and peace can come. So simple, but I just didn't see it. While at the temple I also had more thoughts and direction come to me that I needed. Things that are so simple, but very profound. Also, very personal, so not something I can share on a public blog. But I did want to share this:
"There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions." - Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf ( taken from his talk: Of Things That Matter Most
I am finding that the things that matter most, the truly essential things of life are simple things. The solutions to our problems and struggles are simple. This does not mean easy, but simple.
Ever since that enlightening day at the temple I have felt so much better and I feel like I know now what direction to take in my grieving and where to go having had gone through such a difficult and yet amazing experience with Luisa, my daughter that I love so very much.