Yesterday we made the looooooong drive from Salt Lake City, Utah back to our home in Phoenix. After we unloaded the car, got the kids settled in bed, got ourselves settled in bed, I said to my husband, " I feel like I am starting a new life." And I really feel that way. But, I can't say that I am comfortable with it...yet. I think I can be comfortable with it, and I think I will be. But, right now, not so much. There is no way that I can go back to being the same person that I was before this experience with Luisa. I don't even think I really want to go back to being that same person. But, I feel awkward, and just not quite sure what to do with myself.
Today was harder than I thought it would be. Being at home, having a "normal" day, except for I am not sure what a "normal" day is for me anymore. I think I have to create a new "normal". It is just a strange place to be in.
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There is only a new normal after the loss of a child. The most difficult day I had was the day that everyone else returned to normal and I was left at home all alone. I honestly did not think that I would make it through that day. I'll never forget it as long as I live. Prayers for peace being sent your way. We are here if you need to talk, vent, someone to listen, or anything. It is such a new road and one that you will over time navigate more easily. I so well remember the awkwardness those first few weeks. Even after almost 11 months there are many, many awkward moments when you just have to figure it out as you go along. It is not easy. It is the most difficult thing you will ever do. I'm so sorry you have to learn to navigate this road. Praying for you mama! Love and hugs!
ReplyDeleteIt will definitely take some time for things to be "normal" again. But they might never be back to the way they were, losing a baby definitely changes you, even if it's small. Hopefully you will be able to find peace with all of this and the strength to push forward.
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